Here comes the sun
I've been wanting to write an update for a while but kept waiting until I felt like I had something positive to say - especially after my last post. The reality is that throughout April, many things got worse - the pain in my elbow, the tightness in my chest, the urge to be alone, the feeling that I should be doing more to heal. I've been seeing 2 different physiotherapists and a registered massage therapist to deal with the radiation fibrosis in my chest that is compressing my ulnar nerve in at least 2 spots and resulting in elbow pain. The pain is nearly constant and bothers me with even the smallest of tasks, like washing my face in the morning or doing a short neighbourhood bike ride. It's been a constant, unyielding, reminder of having had cancer. It's also physically and emotionally exhausting. The physio and massage therapy is also painful, as I want them to be as aggressive as possible to deal with the scar tissue before it gets worse. Many times, I leave AMPED Sportslab in tears, an absolute puddle of emotions unlocked by a painful dry needling episode but actually coming from much deeper in my nervous system. Aaron, my physio, has gotten used to me (after having treated all members of my family without tears!) and keeps the kleenex close by.
I am also seeing a breast cancer physio-specialist monthly and she has recommeded that I start "cupping" myself, to help increase circulation among the scar tissue in my chest. I've purchased a silicone cup and will try to do 10 minutes/day in the hopes of getting some relief from the constant tightness in my chest. The radiation is actually causing one of my ribs to start twisting, pulling my shoulder forward and up. So, between the dry needling and cupping, my left side looks like it's been used as a pin cushion with bruises of various colours and sizes. On a daily basis, I'm not seeing much progress but yesterday at the gym, for the first time in months, I was able to do some upper body strengthening exercises without needing to use a special grip or attachment. There was still a bit of discomfort but not pain, so I'll take that as a win!
Little darling, it's been a long cold, lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like it's been years since it's been here
Here comes the sun (doo-doo-doo-doo)
Here comes the sun
And I say
It's alright.
Also on the positive side, the sessions at the gym have dramatically increased my strength. So much so, that I spent the better part of the weekend and Monday, lifting and spreading 36 bags of mulch and did not walk like a 90-year old the next day! There is definitely something to be said for functional fitness! Being in my gardens, making things pretty helps my spirit too, as does having Owen, and his girlfriend Ava, home with us this summer.
I am still trying to process all that has happened over the last year and learn to live with the new reality that even though my cancer is gone, the treatment will continue for another 5 years and the worry of return will always be in the back of my head. Both for me and my daughter (though she will have a lifetime of taking thyroid pills, not 5 years). With a cancer diagnosis, you go from being a person to a patient. Once active treatment is over, you become a "survivor" or a "thriver". I am truly grateful to be in the survivor category, due to early detection and modern health care, but not quite able to "thrive" in my new reality. I am still challenged by certain social situations where I feel like an outsider looking from above at my old life, with "Jen 2.0" being dropped into it. Feeling like an outsider creates a lot of internal tension and stress, where I am fighting to stay present and engaged while desperately wanting to flee. I don't know why this is happening or how long it will take for me to either be "former Jen" or "Jen 2.0" but I am trying my best. If you see me struggling, please be patient and empathetic, and understand it's not you, it really is me.
I am still a work in progress but I am progressing.
Little darling, the smiles returning to the facesLittle darling, it seems like years since it's been hereHere comes the sun...
Jen - I finally figured out how to leave comments. I always read your blog :). It is good you are able to share your thoughts and feelings through blogging. We all deal, heal and manage in our own ways, in our own time. In my opinion, there shouldn’t be a timeline nor a Jen 2.0 or a former Jen - just Jen ❤️. Be you. Our experiences - the good, bad and ugly, shape us every single day. That is what I believe. Congrats on embracing functional fitness…a great reminder for everyone at every stage of life. Thank you! Looking forward golfing with you soon! Love you!!
ReplyDelete