David Letterman's Top Ten

I used to really enjoy hearing the Letterman's Top Ten on the radio, the day after it was broadcast on TV.  I've never been much of a night owl, so never watched much of late night TV.  Even SNL, I would barely make it to the first musical guest appearance.  With the internet it is now possible to watch all the best parts of late night TV shows but, back in the day, we depended on the good ole FM radio to play the best clips.  

 I've been wanting to write about the (ugh) "gifts" of cancer for a while, but in a non-cheesy kind of way, so this is it...it won't be humourous like Letterman's but it will be honest.

(((drumroll)))

Top Ten Gifts of Cancer:

10. Finding creative outlets - I would never call myself an "arts and crafts" kind of person, but creativity has many facets and I've found that I actually enjoy re-finishing old furniture (especially ones that I get free from the side of the road!).  This is something that I never would have made time for in the past but over the past year, I've refinished 2  dressers and a table (at the Sweazey cottage). I'm part-way through refinishing a dining room sideboard and have plans for another dresser makeover.  I don't think I'll ever make this a paying side-gig, but it's been fun to see something ugly and bound for the dump turned into something beautiful and useful.  

9. Rediscovering my joy of reading 📚- I've always loved reading, except for while I was in high school english class and forced to read "Who has Seen the Wind" or other books chosen by the Ministry of Education.  There have also been times in my life where I had no time to read - while at Queen's and UOttawa or when the kids were very young.  In the weeks after my surgery, when I was quite limited in what I could do, I went a bit nutty for books.  Consuming them, more than reading them, because they transported me to different times and places, comforted me, made me laugh or think.  I'm still not a fast reader and can't have more than one book on the go at a time, though I now have a second book club and will join a third one once I go back to work full-time!

8. Being open to try new things - so this one took a while as I am (a bit) stubborn (at times!).  The Ottawa Cancer Foundation, located across from the Canada Post Building on Industrial, offers a number of free programs for community members.  In the weeks after my surgery, again, where I wasn't curling or exercising or even going out of the house much, I attended a Breast Cancer Support Group and found my way to the Ottawa Cancer Foundation for the first time.  Since then, I've tried a few of their classes including 'Mindfulness Meditation' and 'Somatic Breathing'.  Next week I've got a long-awaited appointment for Reiki.  I don't know that any of these new things will find their way into my life on a more permanent basis, but being open to try them is something that "pre-cancer" Jen would NEVER have done.

7. Going into therapy - another one of the things that "pre-cancer" Jen would not have done (whether I needed it or not!) was to go to therapy. I figured that's what friends and family are for.  But starting last January, a full 8 months before my diagnosis but when we knew or strongly suspected Faith's cancer, I found a therapist who specializes in helping people through cancer diagnoses.  Having an outside voice to comfort or challenge, to provide perspective or an alternate viewpoint, has been so incredibly helpful.  And while I am still a stubborn, do-it-all-myself, go-hard-or-go-home, type A, my therapist has helped me see that I need to: let people in; change my self-talk to what I would say to a friend; learn to confront people, feelings and emotions without abandoning them or avoiding them.   

6. Embracing exercise - the quickest way to make me want to do something is to tell me I can't (yes, I'm that stubborn) or take it away from me.  In the days leading up to my surgery, I wouldn't say that I thought a lot about exercise. Probably because it was in the weeks right after Faith's surgery.  Sure, I walked the dogs every night and did some strength training in the basement gym, but I didn't really think about movement as medicine.  In the days and weeks after my surgery, when I couldn't curl or go to the gym, when even a walk to the park and back was considered a successful outting, all I could think about was "when can I go to the gym?".  Movement IS Medicine and you will never convince me otherwise. As soon as my surgeon gave me the clearance, I joined a gym focussed on strength training and have never looked back (now 6 months later, I'm stronger 💪than ever).   

5. Joining "BustingOut" - a breast cancer survivors dragon boat team.  This "gift" combines elements of #s 8, 7, and 6.  Honestly it's so refreshing to be among women of all ages, not just surviving but thriving after their breast cancer treatments.  The oldest one of the paddlers is 80 and could definitely beat me in a dragon boat race right now!  The technique is so different than canoeing that I'm using all different parts of my body and brain to learn it - all while exercising in the fresh air and meeting new people.  

4. Losing FOMO for good - admit it, everyone has a little bit of that Fear Of Missing Out.  One of the things I've committed to is to let it go  - not in the Frozen song kind of way, but in the Mel Robbins Let Them kind of way.  If I don't feel like going to something, I won't and I do my best not to feel guilty about saying no and also to not worry that I'm missing out on something.  I still want to know what my friends are up to but I'm starting to put my needs and feelings first, and trust that I know what's best for me.

3.  Learning to ask for what I need - early on in this blog, and likely throughout the many different posts, I asked for what I needed at the time.  This was meant to respond to the many times I received messages of "let me know if you need anything".  Throughout most of my life, I have not been an "asker", but rather a do-er.  Something needs done, fixed, moved, organized, etc, I'm your girl.  But when I've struggled, I usually turn inwards.  I still do, at times, it's my comfort zone.  But going through cancer and watching my daughter go through it, forced me to ask for help.  From friends, from work, and from my family. I will be forever grateful to those who came through during the dark times.  And for those who understood my need to cocoon and not take it personally, who just showed up with food on my doorstep or books to read, for those who sent regular text messages to check up on me or who sat with me while I cried.  It is not easy to ask for help but knowing that it can be done, lightens a heavy load. 

2. Connecting with others - The gift of friendship, is just that.  A gift.  I know that I've been blessed with all kinds of friends, as the saying goes, "friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime".  Throughout the past year, both Faith and I have found new friends, reconnected with old ones and seen some "friends for a season or a reason" become "friends for a lifetime".  Our cancer diagnoses and treatments, brought us face to face with our own mortalities and our deepest fears, and through the year, we have both watched friendships bloom and fade.  But we can both reflect that the value that we now place on our closest friendships and relationships has grown so much over the past year. 

(((drumroll)))

1. Taking time to reflect on what is important - in Faith's case, she told me that she took time to do some traveling and figuring out who she is and where she wants to be, without feeling guilty about looking for full-time work, or spending money to go to BC or the UK. For me, this extended sick leave, has helped me to focus on my health and my family, to improve my self-care and help ensure that I'll be around, and in good mental and physical health, for many years to come.  Had it not been for my cancer diagnosis, I don't know when that would have happened, but I know that the outcome or my outlook  would not have been as positive as it is right now.  

Thanks for reading - this was a long one. Took a long time to write and I'm sure it's taking a long time to read.  So, while this past year (and it has been a year almost exactly since we had Faith's cancer confirmed) has been terrible in so many ways, there have been many valuable lessons and gifts that have come to be as a result of cancer.  I'm still working on my self-talk and perspective, heck...I'm really still a work in progress, but I am well-enough to realize the blessings in my life from being among a cancer survivor.