All I Know So Far

 It's a deep freeze in Ottawa but everyday I get up to have my left side nuked, at least that's how I think of my radiation.  I've now finished 4 out of 15 doses and in this post, I'll explain (since I am getting a lot of questions) the process. First off, after these 4 doses, I've had no side effects. I've been told to expect anytime after the mid-way point and continuing to the first couple of weeks after the end of treatment.  The two most likely side effects will be skin burning/peeling (anywhere along my left side, front, back and underarm) and fatigue.  I am doing everything I can to prevent both of those by using creams twice a day on the treated areas and being consistent at the gym to combat fatigue.  Only time will tell if it makes any difference, but I believe it will.

So, the actual process of radiation is surprisingly quick.  On the first day, I got a bi-fold card, about the size of a cell phone, that has a scan code for me to check myself into the radiation clinic.  The radiation techs also scan this code before they give me the radiation.  Because of the where on my body that is being radiated, I have to change into a hospital gown - so glad that they keep the heat up in that clinic! Often I am the only one in the waiting room in a gown, which feels like a bit like showing up at a party when you didn't get the message about the dress code and wore the WRONG outfit! I'm sure you know that feeling of being out of place, based on what you are wearing.  Luckily, I have only had to wait 5-10 minutes before being called in.

There are always 2 technicians in the room who confirm my identity, scan me in, line up my new tattoos on the table and leave.  Once I am alone, there is a preliminary CT scan done (which takes about a minute or two), then the bed has a rumble feeling and the radiation starts.  I can't move at all, but thankfully, I am covered up with the gown, and my arms are above my head.  It's not uncomfortable for me, but it is for others (with mobility issues or previous shoulder injuries).  The radiation passes over me twice, in 2 full sweeps, and that takes about 90 seconds total.  Maybe longer.  I haven't actually counted because usually they have music playing.  Today, it was appropriated "Under Pressure" by Queen.  On the first day, it was "Anti-Hero" by Taylor Swift.  I'm glad that I enjoy a range of music because I sing along (in my head, with my eyes closed) with the words and almost forget where I am.  Almost.  Afterwards, I get changed and head outside where I have been lucky enough to have friends who volunteered to drive me.  The whole process takes 15 minutes, including the waiting.  

So far, the appointments have all been on time, if not a few minutes early.  The hassle, really, is having to go every weekday and that the appointments are all over the day without any pattern.  Today, for example, it was at 7:50am and Friday, it's at 5pm.

How do I feel? I'm not going to lie. There's a full spectrum of emotions still. 

I was afraid to start and I am afraid of having the side effects.  And, I do it anyway as this is part of my insurance policy reducing the chance that the cancer will come back.  

I am surprised that the system still prints things on paper (the bi-ford scan card) and tell me to not depend on the appointments in MyChart until they are added each week into the bi-fold scan card. And I am impressed at how quick and efficient the process is.

I am grateful for the volunteer drivers.  And, I feel vulnerable asking for help and favours.

I feel lucky that my cancer was caught early enough to be highly curable.  And, I feel angry that I have cancer. 

    Haven't always been this way
    I wasn't born a renegade
    I felt alone, still feel afraid
    I stumble through it anyway

    Just throw your head back, and spit in the wind
    Let the walls crack, 'cause it lets the light in
    Let 'em drag you through hell
    They can't tell you to change who you are

    And when the storm's out, you run in the rain
    Put your sword down, dive right into the pain
    Stay unfiltered and loud, you'll be proud of that skin full of scars

    That's all I know so far

( This song by P!nk was playing, from my 800+ song playlist on the way to my first appointment.  Seemed appropriate.)