Life is a Highway, by Tom Cochrane, was released the year I graduated from high school, 1991. I remember it sounding like a song of freedom, as I was getting ready to head off to university and new adventures, living in residence, meeting new people and figuring out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.
Life's like a road that you travel on
When there's one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
At the time, I loved all the choices I was getting to make - which classes and labs to take, what to eat in the cafeteria, when to study and when to go to Stages on a Thursday night or Ritual at Clark Hall Pub starting at noon on a Friday!
When I was diagnosed with cancer, I didn't think there would be any decisions to make. I thought it would be a straight forward line from diagnosis to surgery to recovery, where someone else would be making the decisions. For the most part, that is the case though I've been presented, so far, with 2 very important decisions so far:
- Lumpectomy and radiation or mastectomy; and most recently,
- 15 days of radiation or 5
The second decision was presented to me on Friday afternoon and I've been researching and mulling it over ever since. Basically, the current standard of care in North America for radiation following lumpectomy is 15 days (it used to be 25), however, in Europe and the UK, the standard is now fewer days at a higher dose/day. Pros and cons to each and my radiologist said I could choose which one to do. I was, quite frankly, paralyzed with indecision. Since Faith's diagnosis and then mine, a few months later, I've had a hard time making decisions, even simple ones. My brain seems to be too busy processing all the cancer thoughts and worries to make small decisions. This is not the "usual" me - I'm normally quite decisive and rarely regret my choices. But between poor sleep and anxiety about waiting for test results and treatments, I've been hard-pressed to make small decisions or commitments. I hate being wishy-washy but I really just need someone else to make decisions right now.
I've taken some time to read up on both and I'm still not sure. Luckily I have until January 3 to make that decision. That will be the day I have my "radiation treatment simulation" where I'll have a CT scan to map out where the radiation beams need to line up (at least that's how I'm imagining it). Radiation is tentatively scheduled, according to MyChart, to start in mid-January. Pretty ironic that I'm booked to start radiation the same week that Faith will FINALLY have a consult with an oncologist in Ottawa about her radiation. Ironic and frustrating that she's had to wait so long. But, I digress...
Next Monday, I also have an appointment with a medical oncologist who will likely advise me which drug I'll start taking to further reduce any estrogen or progesterone in my body, given that my tumour had receptors for both of those. I've already come off HRT and all the symptoms of menopause have returned, so I'm not looking forward to the drugs that might amplify those symptoms for the next 5 years. I am grateful to have this as a treatment to help prevent reoccurence (not all breast cancers are hormone receptor positive), I just know that it'll be a bit of a rough ride for a while. I just have to focus on the destination at the end of this journey.
There's no load I can't hold
A road so rough, this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors
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