Groundhog Day

This one should be an obvious reference to anyone reading this blog that I'm referring to the 1993 movie starring Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell not the day in early February where we look for a sign from a rodent to tell us if there will be 6 more weeks of winter (spoiler alert - it's Canada, there will ALWAYS be six more weeks of winter!).  

"I'll give you a winter prediction: It's gonna be cold, its gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you the rest of your life."

If it's been a while since you saw the movie, this is the one where Bill Murray is a weatherman who is cursed to repeat the same day on a loop until he works out all his personal issues and learns how to be happy.  Or something like that.  It's been a while so I don't recall all the details, just the main storyline.  Bill Murray's character has some fun with being caught in the loop, playing pranks and living consequence-free for a while but there are also some really dark moments where he feels trapped and stuck.  

That's what this blogpost is about.  Most days are the same for me right now as I'm in the limbo of waiting...waiting to heal enough to be physically active again, waiting for surgery results and tests and treatment plans and follow-ups.  I wake up (after a terrible night sleep), read, do mobility exercises. I apply ice or heat, depending on what I think will help with the nerve pain and take advil or tylenol when it gets the better of me.  I cry and am emotional.  I try to get out for a walk, watch TV (or on Sunday, I watch the Bears find new ways to lose), rinse and repeat. Every day. 

Faith is also in limbo and in waiting mode for her next steps - both finding an endocrinologist who will see her sometime in the next year and for her radiation to start.  But she has really bounced back from her surgery - maybe because she's young and strong.  She's working as a supply teacher almost every day and will leave on Wednesday morning for a Nordic Skiing camp in Vernon, BC (as a coach-in-training, I think).  She's got a lot of me in her so I know she's in the "put one foot in front of the other" mode.  

I'm not there yet.  The repetition of groundhog day has been sad and stressful.  It's been hard emotionally and mentally, having so much time to think (and over-analyse) and without any of my usual activities or routines as a distraction.  Before I had my surgery, I created a long to-do list (or more specifically a "could" do list) for when I felt up to it but I haven't started a single item on that list.  Ive had no motivation and just feel stuck. I guess I am waiting for that moment when things all click into place, or maybe it's an acceptance, like it happened for Bill Murray's character.  

I am learning to accept that the process of healing takes time. That building my resilience will take time. That being vulnerable is gut-wrenching and absolutely counter to everything that I grew up with. That learning to reach out and ask for help is one of the hardest things I've ever done. That most people deal with one cancer at a time and we are dealing with two. AT THE SAME TIME.  And I am also fighting a battered health system for access to a range of medically-necessary services for Faith, from a distance. 

Like the movie, I am trying to find moments of joy and fun.  I really appreciate the small things like a heartfelt text from a friend, a funny meme or reel, an invitation for tea, a phone call, an update on life outside of the cancer bubble that I'm currently in. I am trying to find things to pass my time and develop some new skills such as refinishing a dresser for Owen's room and have (maybe?) convinced Shawn to try line-dancing with me via a youtube video.  And yes, I already know how that will end - my two left feet will be sharply contrasted with my hubby's John Travolta/Michael Jackson/Patrick Swayze dancing skills! If you know, you know!  

So, while the movie could have been interpreted as a whimsical"feel-good" movie, in a 2017 interview, Murray said he believed Groundhog Day still resonated because it is about "the idea that we just have to try again" and that by slowing down and appreciating new details, his character was able to grow as a person and become the agent of his own change.  So that is the spirit that I am approaching this week.  I will embrace slowing down and appreciate the good things.