Everybody Hurts

 (R.E.M)

And everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on 

I've always loved this song and I think it solidifies me in the Gen X category when I say that I remember watching Beverly Hills 90210, in the episode (there may have been more than one!) where Dylan and Brenda break up. and this song is playing.  Today, this song was running through my mind, while in an ultra-modern, clean and well-equipped procedure room of the Renfrew Victoria Hospital.  I was getting a Molli-seed (http://mollisurgical.com/localization-toolkit-patients/) injected into my boob for my surgeon to find it during the surgery.  It's not some kind of medical hide and seek, it's actually a very small magnet, a bit smaller than a grain of rice, sitting right close to the tumour that can be detected with a special wand during the surgery.  It's a medical miracle from a Canadian company and I'm happy it's been invented (the alternative was literally, a wire, sticking out of my boob, poking into the tumour for the surgeon to find her way to the target).

So, why was I thinking of this song? Well, finding the perfect spot to inject Magneto (thanks, RB, for the great name suggestion!) took many, many mammograms, as well as a few mammograms after Magneto was placed.  The nurses were amazing, kept me talking and not focussing on the needle sticking out of my boob, or the fact that leftie was squeezed so hard it would have hurt, if it wasn't already numb from the anesthetic.  And they kept telling me to "hold on".  (Not that I was going anywhere with my eyes shut, doing my box breathing and counting on my fingers, pinned into the machine as I was, but I do appreciate the effort they took to keep me as comfortable as possible.)  I estimate that I had 25 mammograms on the same side in that procedure, so am really glad that I didn't have to pay per procedure.

Speaking of paying, I could not believe the parking costs.  Not in the way you are likely imagining right now.  The total cost for an hour of parking at the Renfrew Hospital was...gulp...$1.  Yep, less than a cup of coffee.  Next week, for my surgery, we'll be there all day and the daily maximum is $5.  

But I digress, back to the theme song for today.  There's also a verse in the song that advises: take comfort in your friends.  I know that I haven't been a good friend lately (or longer) even though I'm blessed with so many people wanting to help.  My closest friends will understand, where others may not, because I am fairly decent at keeping up appearances and I can "Keep Calm and Carry On" as if it were an Olympic sport.  In a crisis situation, I'm your girl - I can organize, create lists, pack, order, move, buy, clean, prep, paint,  and stand up to and stick up for anyone.  But peel back the layers a bit, and it gets blurry.  If there's an underdog needing a supporter, that's me.  But if I'm the "needy one", my instinct is to burrow deep, solve my own problems (and sometimes make them worse), isolate, and not ask for or take any help.  These dual diagnoses of 2 different cancers in my small family are really shaking things up for me.

So today, I am doing ok  - battered and most certainly bruised but ok.  I am grateful to my friend DW who asked me not once, but twice, who was taking me to Renfrew, and offered to drive. I am grateful to my friend TG who took the morning off work to drive me and gave me so much to think about (free therapy!) on the way there and back.  And I'm grateful to know that I have other friends who would have taken me, had I not waited until the absolute last minute to ask.  In my low moments (and there are/have been many), I don't always recognize the support around me and I certainly don't ask for help. Or I didn't, until now. It's going to take time to change my patterns of behaviour and response, but I'm working on it.  

Thanks friends, for being here and reading this.  One thing, before I publish this one...if you haven't had a mammogram recently, please book one and ask your female friends and family members to do as well (Ontario Breast Screening Program 1-800-668-9304).