Closer to Fine

Wow it's been a while since I did any sort of mass update or blog post but that’s not to say that things haven’t been happening.  I guess I’ve just felt like certain things are feeling stuck – in my head, in my heart, in an endless loop between endocrinology/surgery/nuclear medicine.   

And even the Indigo Girls knew that life doesn’t follow a straight path, but the rational side of my brain is always seeking to plan, manage, and push things through in a logical way.  Maybe that’s why this song has been resonating with me so much lately.  It was released in 1989 but I remember the first time I heard it when I was at Queen’s university and my life was pretty much going according to plan, until I broke up with my long-time boyfriend and I was both happier and more uncertain, than I’d ever been, not knowing where life would take me. 

My roommate, Kristine, and I listened to this song on repeat for weeks. That year, we both applied to do a semester abroad in our third year and were both accepted in the group of 20.  I chose Edinburgh and she close Glasgow.  Spoiler alert: I could not afford to pay the additional travel and living expenses in the UK after breaking my wrist at the end of July playing soccer.  That break forced me to quit my job at Budd Gardens since I couldn’t get my cast wet, lift the plants, work outside, easily make change from actual dollars and coins…you know, all the things that the job required! I  went back to Queen’s in the fall, with a new boyfriend (who became my husband!) and Kristine went on to a fabulous extended experience in Scotland, eventually returning to Queen’s and graduating a year later.

 

So, where am I going with this?  Well, recently that song came back up on my playlist and I’ve found both deep comfort and reassurance from it.  Plans change.  Unimageinable and unpredictable things happen. Hearts break. And still there is beauty and meaning and love and music.

 

“Well Darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable

            And lightness has a call that’s hard to hear”

 

This summer has had lots of ups and downs.  Even before the summer started, we were dealt 2 blows in a 24 hour period with the loss of our beloved lab-rottie mix, Ruby, and then the unexpected death of Shawn’s dad.  Even though that happened in April, it felt like the beginning of some unravelling as I worked really hard to be the strong one, supporting Shawn, Owen and Faith through their grief, guilt and loss. I’ve learned a lot about the negativity bias, both from my therapist and my dear friend Sarah, that explains we are more attuned to seeing negativity as meaningful or purposeful but more likely to dismiss positivity as luck. Perhaps I am not explaining it correctly but the way I understand it, and from the lyrics above, negativity seems to enter your life when you’re already having a hard time, and it feels like no matter what, this darkness isn’t going to go away. 

On June 30 my step dad fell and broke his hip.  For an 82 year old with stage 4 cancer metatstases in his spine and hips, this was a big deal.  Combine that with being admitted to hospital on July 1, when all the new residents start, a surgery that was pushed back twice and then needed to be redone, a lengthy stay in the hospital and 3+ weeks in geriatric rehabilitation at the Elizabeth Bruyere, there was a lot on my shoulders, and that of my sister, this summer.  Things we hadn’t planned for.  The relationship between step parent and step child is never an easy one – and unless you’ve been there or are there (in either role as step parent or child) you don’t know and it's very hard to describe in a way people with intact families can understand.  Kind of like when Shawn describes his colour-blindness to me….I understand on a physiological level that he is missing rods and cones in his retinas but that doesn’t mean I UNDERSTAND.  So, needless to say, it was a VERY tough summer dealing with a grouchy, negative, and difficult step dad determined to fight against every recommendation made by me, Julie or the doctors. The month of July passed in a series of meetings, consultations, changed plans, guilt and grief.

 

And then there were the forest fires, which necessitated the cancellation of a planned 50^th canoe trip into the wilderness of Quetico Provincial Park in northwestern Ontario.  I was SOOOO looking forward to this.  Since I discovered dragon boating, I find being on the water centres me and brings me such joy and peace.  While a larger group was able to get away for a few days to a nearby cottage, I was tied up on day 1 with an appointment with nuclear medicine for Faith.  

 

In no uncertain terms, Faith needs another round of radioactive iodine.  Her last surgery removed a few lymph nodes and 1 was found to be positive for thyroid cancer with “extra nodal extension”.  This means that it had already grown beyond the limit of the lymph node and was, quite likely, circulating more cancerous cells to attach to other lymph nodes or places in her body.  I know what its like to have a cancer diagnosis and then have to wait months for meetings with doctors and specialists to have a plan for treatment.  I can’t even describe the feeling of helplessness of waiting and wondering how much the cancer is growing in the meantine.  I would not wish that on anyone but would gladly take it every single day of my life to spare my daughter from going through it again/still at the age of 25.  As of right now, my “chip off the old block”, type A (or maybe AAA in her case) daughter has chosen to do this radiation starting December 14 so that she will only miss 5 days of school.  Because she is teaching kindergarten this fall, she cannot be around anyone younger than 10 (or pregnant women) for at least 2 weeks following the single dose of radioactive iodine.  I’m proud of her for being so dedicated to her job and protecting those around her but also deeply frustrated by a system that has forced her to wait so long for this and interrupt her life for more than 2.5 years now. I will support her decision to wait, even though it makes me so damn scared.

 

I am moving into the fall, one of my favourite seasons with warm days and cool nights, and I am desperately trying to be closer to fine.  I am trying to more easily let go of plans as they change and try to embrace the unknown. I am trying to let go of needing to find answers to everything.  I am trying to find peace in my head and in my heart,

 

    There's more than one answer to these questions

    pointing me in a crooked line

    and the less I seek my source for some definitive

    the closer I am to fine

And to circle back to the negativity bias - there were also a lot of positive things that happened this summer, which I often need to remind myself of.  I participated in 2 fun dragon boat tournaments, I went to the East Coast with friends and to visit Ava and her family.  I continue to check off things in my "2026 Bingo Card".  I received an amazing gift of a stash of yarn and knitting needles from Rylee and I continue to take great comfort and joy from knitting. And reading. And writing.  And planning. And feeling like I am emerging from under the dark cloud of the summer.  I had a wonderful dinner with Trevor and Kelly, pool time with Glenna, hot tub and hot dogs with Sarah. I am, as we all are, a work in progress and I am getting closer to fine each day.