Paint it, Black
I see a red door And I want it painted black No colors anymore I want them to turn black
Black has always been my favourite colour to wear - some call it boring, I call it classic. And it makes me feel good. I would never say that my mood has been black...until recently. Maybe that's being overly dramatic. Maybe my mood has been more of a grey. Definitely not the usual colours.
I've been having a terrible time sleeping. It started when I first got hot flashes at night about 2 years ago, but then progesterone at night cured that almost immediately. Sleep has always been something that's come easy to me and, until now, I didn't ever stop to consider that it wouldn't always. Since the double diagnosis of cancer in my family, it has been harder to get to sleep and stay asleep, not just because I can no longer take progesterone, but also because my over-active brain seems to prefer the quiet hours between 1 and 5 am to process the fear, worry, anguish, and anger about our cancers.
Cue the prescription sleeping pills which worked fairly well for a while but as soon as I started tamoxifen, all bets were off. Even doubling the dose was not working - I'd sleep soundly for 2 hours then I'd be wide awake and drift on and off to sleep for the rest of the night, eventually getting up anywhere between 4:37am (ok, that was just once) to 6:00 am. Well before my body felt rested and ready to tackle the day. During the day, I was plagued by 10 to 15 to 20 or more hot flashes. Unless you've had an intense hot flash, it's hard to describe the discomfort. They come out of nowhere and make it hard to focus on anything but getting cooler. I've also been struggling with my mood - worry and thoughts of "what if" on a constant loop, not wanting to do anything that involved much effort or would drain my social battery (which is almost everything these days) and just wanting to cocoon on the couch, with a blanket and a book rather than go out and be social.
I had hoped, desperately, that I'd be one of the women without any side effects to tamoxifen, but no such luck. Hence my song choice (also one of my favourite Rolling Stones songs). It's hard to know if the insomnia and low mood are direct side effects of the tamoxifen (depression and mood changes are listed as possible common side effects, as well as hot flashes while insomnia is a less-common side effect) or if I'm caught in some type of loop...don't sleep because of worry, have low mood because of not sleeping. And, of course, there is also the distinct possibility that my Type A, first-born, push-through-anything, keep calm and carry on, fake it until you make it personality is, quite frankly, over-whelmed and tired and taking time to reset. Throw in some unprocessed trauma, existential questions and a glimpse at my own mortality and it was the perfect storm for poor mental health.
I hope that I'm not making light of the situation. I just know that for the past while, I have not felt like myself and it's gotten worse lately. So, after a conscious effort to take all my meds at the same time every day, to exercise regularly, to eat well, practice good sleep hygiene, to get lots of fresh air, without any noticeable difference, I decided to take a 2 week break from tamoxifen and then try again at a half dose. Fingers crossed. I'm also continuing to do the things that I know contribute to positive mental health to find my way back. This is all new to me. I'm trying to be grateful for the lived-experience, for the lesson in resilience and humility. But it's hard and I just want to feel the way I used to.
So that's where I'm at these days. If you need me, I'll be on my couch, reading a record number of books (hit me up if you want any recommendations!), writing in my journal, still trying to figure out meditation, planning to eat healthier and drink less wine, and doing everything else I can to get healthy.
On a side note, among the books I've read this year was The Women by Kristin Hannah, a historical fiction novel about a young American nurse who volunteers in the United States Nurse Corps during the Vietnam war. I really enjoyed this one and when I was done, re-watched Good Morning Vietnam. That movie has held up (mostly) to the test of time and had great music, including the song above. Definitely worth a re-watch and I learned so much more about that era and war than I was able to understand as a 15 year old when it first came out in 1987.
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